Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”