Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
haha same
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.