Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
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Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face