Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
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People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.