@hamspamtymaam If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
@XplodingUnicorn Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
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@hamspamtymaam 
@chuuew I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
@jp_mcdade Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
@david8hughes “Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
@hipstermermaid “My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
@hardlyrelevant Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
@samalmightysam It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
@ShaunRightNow Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
@topaz_kell According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.