Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
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[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The Punning Dead.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.