Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.


I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.


Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.


“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”


“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*


Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength


My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.


Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.


According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.