Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“Sheer Arrogance”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.