Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Merry Christmas
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
just having fun
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now