Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.



ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family


Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.


[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*


the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook


Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”


Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.


I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.


I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.