Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

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Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]


If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.


Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”


me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]


Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.


Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away


i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”


Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.


Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?