Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”