Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
How your email finds me
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar