@5hael

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

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@TheSharona06

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

@BoomBoomBetty

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

@QwertyJones3

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

@badAzz_mom

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

@AshFrieds

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

@AmericanGent69

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?