Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
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Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
How times have changed.
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion