Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
All set.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.