Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Childbirth is so beautiful
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing