Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
You Might Also Like
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
whatcha thinkin bout
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Reporter: *ports again*
OKAY DAD
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.