Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Yeah. This was me today.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
j o i m p
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Lmao
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”