Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go