Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.