Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

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When did white people become such fucking pussies?


Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.


Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.


3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house


God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot


Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are


[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you


just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye


Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.


80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad