Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end