“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
You Might Also Like
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Did my cat write this
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.