Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Every time.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.