“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.