Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.