Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
was Jim off killing horses or…
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly