Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
worst…sale…ever
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married