Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.