Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
i did the math
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Lucky old June.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.