Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.