“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
#Caturday
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I need better friends
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.