“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos