“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
meanwhile over on facebook
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.