Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
❤️❤️❤️
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Software Development ⛵️
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget