Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.


me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*


Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked


“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”


ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot


ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that


Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.


People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?


My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target


Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.