Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
You Might Also Like
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
There’s always that one guy
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™