@krishna_van

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

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@stephenjmolloy

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

@whatmaddness

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

@FredTaming

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@XplodingUnicorn

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

@nonchalantnacho

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

@jovialjennay

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.