Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*


Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.


911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us


I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.


The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.


Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.


“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.