Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Why is everyone getting married at me
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Tell the colonel to bring it
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*