Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
🤣😈🤣
Deer are just ballerina dogs
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?