sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
pat pat
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
A wise man once said nothing.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over