Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me too
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.