sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮