Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”