Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?