Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring


Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.


the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog


The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.


The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.


I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.


Me: Good night Moon


Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!


ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and


Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow


[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*