Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Natty or not?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.