Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
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I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry