Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
You Might Also Like
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
What
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
giddy up Office Depot
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge