Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Bit chilly again tonight.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi