Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Watermelon Boss!
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend