@Gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

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@comer310

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

@spacebatmcbat

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

@smerobin

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

@Aspersioncast

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

@SortaSarcastic

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

@kariassad

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

@2tonbug

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

@Nickadoo

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”