Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
This kid is going places
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.