@Gorrdano
@comer310 How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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@comer310 
@spacebatmcbat Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
@smerobin Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
@Aspersioncast Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
@SortaSarcastic Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
@kariassad Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
@5hael Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
@2tonbug You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
@Nickadoo “I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”