Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.


Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated


Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.


Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.


Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …


Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.


Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are


Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?


You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!


“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”