@Gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

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@_radsy

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@TheToddWilliams

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

@TEXASVETERAN

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@TragicAllyHere

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@kimtopher22

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.