@Gorrdano
@_radsy HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
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@_radsy 
@TheToddWilliams [interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
@bradboyqld @SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
@TEXASVETERAN My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
@shatty48 Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
@LizHackett I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
@Home_Halfway “10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
@TragicAllyHere Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
@SirEviscerate *sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
@kimtopher22 I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.