Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
is it earth
Pizza is an emotion right?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars