Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story