Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
😎 🍻
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*