Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?