“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.