Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?