SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.