Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!