Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.