@LaLuchaNix

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

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@Smug_Lemur

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

@iamspacegirl

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@TheAndrewNadeau

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

@girlontapas

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

@BuckyIsotope

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

@mejustbeth

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

@meganamram

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

@RodLacroix

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

@aka_fatman

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.