Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
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I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone