Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

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The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.


The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.


Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy


*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*


Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.


Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot


Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.


Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.